The grant kirkham Letters.

Many years ago when I ran and coached the Casuals FC in the Tri County "Soccer" League, I would also publish a footy fanzine called "Casual as Fuck" in order to entertain the players and our small band of supporters.
It was very low brow stuff and one of the regular features that  I came up with was a series of rambling and harassing letters by Grant Kirkham who would write to various people in the football world and beyond, usually in the name of the Casuals FC and footy in general.
Back then I only had a typewriter and the letters would be sent to their intended victims spelling mistakes, grammatical errors and all.
It was usually harmless and wacky subject matter and sometimes the responses were almost as hilarious as the original letter.
The highlight of the entire episode was having Swindon Town send me some ketchup and a couple of packets of biscuits (Bourbons and custard creams) and when Tommy Smyth mentioned the Paul Nicholl (Geordie Plumber) letter live on air during the Man United v Juventus Champions League semi final broadcast on ESPN.

I have often thought about writing a few more and sending them out, but would spellcheck ruin the innocent (and possibly thick) charm of the first wave of letters from Grant Kirkham?
Anyway, read on, enjoy and try not to pay too much attention to the mistakes.

Andy Gillespie aka Grant Kirkham.

**Click on letters to enlarge image**

The grant kirkham Letters: NEWCASTLE UNITED.

The grant kirkham Letters: READING FC

The grant kirkham Letters: BIRMINGHAM CITY.

The grant kirkham Letters: CARDINAL LANGLEY.

The grant kirkham Letters: SPURS.

The grant kirkham Letters: FULHAM FC.

The grant kirkham Letters: EL POLLO LOCO.

The grant kirkham Letters: HUSTLER MAGAZINE.

The grant kirkham Letters: MANCHESTER CITY, JOE ROYLE.

The grant kirkham Letters: LETTER TO A REF.

The grant kirkham Letters: KANSAS CITY WIZARDS.

The grant kirkham Letters: SWINDON TOWN.

Sunday May 13th. Champions at last.

After weeks of enduring shite from knob head U****d fans, City did the impossible and won the league.
Of course City being City we had to nearly fuck it all up in typical fashion. We overcame the 8 point margin, U****d lost to Wigan, drew with Everton and obviously to us.
While we kept winning after the Arsenal game, beating them and overcoming a really tough test at Newcastle away thanks to a Ya Ya brace.

The hard part was done, all we had to do was beat QPR at the Etihad.
Easy huh?
We had only dropped 2 points at home all season and they were horrible on the road.

Finding a suitable venue to watch the game was a tough decision as well, I didn't want to go to the Crown because I refuse to go in there. I was debating various pubs in the Valley or Santa Monica, but was saved by fellow blue family the Steenson's of SM and so me and Liam went there to watch so we didn't have to deal with any idiotic rag fans.

The game itself was a thriller to say the least, City battered them and Zabaleta puts us ahead to go in at halftime 1-0 up.

Joey Barton then got himself sent off and put QPR down to 10 men and then things started to go wrong, very wrong.
Lescott put a shocking header right into the path of Cisse who ran through and equalised. Then later on in the half Mackie put them 2-1 up after a fine cross from Traore, it has to be said that this was from a free header after Nasri jogged back leaving his man (Mackie) wide open.
City continued to pile on the pressure but QPR defended like Trojans especially Paddy Kenny who made save after save after save.
With a last throw of the dice Dzeko and Balotelli were brought into the game.
The 90 minutes were up with 5 added on, still a bridge too far I thought.



But in 91st minute Kenny saved from Balotelli on a corner, on the next one Dzeko powered a header into the back of the net.
I found this especially cruel and typical of City to finally get one past Kenny when it was way too late. After the restart QPR hoofed the ball up the field, the ball was played to Kompany who sauntered 40 yards or so with the ball before finding Aguerro.
Aguerro ran at the QPR back four, passed it to Balotelli who with his back to the goal fell over before finding Aguerro with a pass while on his arse. Aguerro took one touch, went just wide of Taiwo and with the weight of the entire blue half of Manchester on his shoulders blasted the ball past the heroic Paddy Kenny.
The stadium went wild, the players went mental, the commentators couldn't believe it, we couldn't believe it. We were jumping over the couches in Lisa and Dave's living room, it was blue heaven.

To make matters sweeter, Sky immediately went to the Stadium of Light and showed the look of disappointment on the faces of Fergie and the U****d players and fans, it was perfect.

After all the abuse they had given us over the last few weeks, the best they could come up with was that it was only on goal diffence. Ha, daft and bitter cunts indeed.
The future is bright and the future is blue.... CTID.

It's coming down to the wire.

Manchester City 1, Manchester United 0

Vinny scores.

It's gone a bit quiet these days from the red half of Manchester.
Didn't seem that long ago they were all saying it was in the bag and making those "20" posts on facebook and twitter.
Even the lead singer from my favourite band the "semi legendary" Wedding Present has stopped sending me taunting texts.
The win tonight puts us on top, ahead on goal difference and even though I think we have the tougher two last games, if we can't win them then the season has been for nothing and we will have got what we deserve.
Good win tonight and nice to see captain Vincent Kompany score the winner after he was wronged in the FA Cup derby.
Two more games lads, two more games.
I probably won't cry if we don't win the league, but I'm sure that I will if we do.

Vinny celebrates.

Arty Bloody Farty comic strips.

From my Morrissey fanzine of old, Arty Bloody Farty, I give you the comic strips.
Enjoy.


From issue number one:

From issue number two:

The Wedding Present in San Diego and Los Angeles.

March 30th 2012 The Casbah, San Diego.

Fergal, Mark, Kellie and myself drove to SD and we were meeting fellow barmy army member Kia at the hotel later on in the early evening. The hotel was decent and literally a five minute walk to the venue, so it looks like we have a new permanent place to stay for all future shows at the Casbah. We settled in, then went to find somewhere to eat.
We agreed upon a small Mexican take away just a block down the street, it was very good by the way. On the walk back to the hotel we stopped and grabbed a few beers from the 7 eleven around the corner and also bought a few tickets for the Mega Millions lottery.
The jackpot was up to $600 million, so it was worth a shot. We speculated on how we would spend the cash if we won and came up with an idea to follow TWP all over the world and finance the next studio album.
We of course would call it "Club 5" in honour of the five barmy army members who made it all possible. but unlike "Club 8" we would have special tee shirts and badges made. Sadly though we didn't win, but the notion was a good laugh until we realised we weren't multi millionaires, but we certainly got our money's worth.

Just prior to setting off we were joined by our friends Dolly and Paul, we drank a few more beers and then made our way to the venue. Wedding Present shows in San Diego aren't usually well attended and the audience can be quite unenthusiastic at times. But this Seamonsters gig was a bit of a surprise, the venue was packed and the crowd were really into the performance. I think they even took more than the normal $78 on the merchandise table.
I could hardly believe it myself. The show was great, the band had got tighter since we had seen them at SXSW and were visibly having a good time onstage. Kellie's daughter Caitlin came to her first ever Wedding Present show, she said she had a good time.
I personally think that Kellie was more excited to see her after months away at UCSD, that the actual gig, but that's completely understandable.
I had tequila shots with Pepe, Charlie, Patrick and Sebastian after the gig. They were fiddling about with salt and lime in between drinking it, while I just knocked it back. Can't be bothered with drinking ceremonies, "just get it necked", that's my motto.
Back at the hotel, we had a bad case of the munchies, so it was back to our neighbourhood Mexican take away where we bought even more tacos and burritos.
What is it about being drunk and wanting a really heavy late night supper?
Either way, it was really good once again.
The next day we all went to Old Town and ate a fabulous Mexican breakfast and Fergal picked himself up a couple of house warming gifts from the museum across the road.

Paul, me, Fergal and Mark at The Casbah.

March 31st 2012 The Troubadour, Los Angeles.

DLG in action at The Troubadour


I had announced that I would make a big curry in honour of our guests and the fact that our friends Steve and Brandi were coming along to the show.
I made a chicken vindaloo and an aloo ghobi of sorts with added lentils and mushrooms.
I also made my famous spicy onions and raita with poppodums. Everyone loved it, or at least nobody got ill.

Before the show I chatted with ex-WP bassist Terry De Castro and she seemed pretty excited to see Seamonsters performed live.
She later admitted to me that she was gutted that she never got to play the entire album and "maybe" she quit two years too early.
She owned up to being a bit sad about being an audience member at a WP gig, but she certainly enjoyed the show anyway.
It seemed that we pretty much knew approximately third of the entire audience.
At every turn there seemed to be an old friend to chat to.
As ever the show was excellent.
One of the highlights for me was when DLG pulled out an LA Galaxy towel in between song to wipe his sweaty brow. He announced that they were his American team (He's been to a few games with us) and added that it was football and not soccer because "it is a game that you use your foot to kick a ball".
Little did he know that the Galaxy were losing 3-1 to New England as he spoke, I think we made the right decision to go to the gig rather than watch the G's lose at home and in the rain.
Kellie's other daughter Deirdre came to this gig, which means that all of our kids have been to Wedding Present shows. I think Owen is the biggest fan as he is quite proud of his bedroom/band storage area. Plus he probably knows David and Jessica better than the other three and vice versa.
It was kind of sad knowing that this was to be our last Wedding Present show for some time, but it had been a very enjoyable month.
I made "another" big curry for the band when they returned to Simi Valley a week later to drop some stuff off. It was another enjoyable evening and the chance to say our "goodbyes" to friends new and old before they set off for Australia, Japan and Hong Kong.

Me, DLG and Paul after the L.A. gig.

SXSW Days Five and Six

March 18th and 19th.


TWP after the Flat Top Burger gig.


I could go on about our last two days in Austin about how were went to the local mall and wandered around from shop to shop looking for trainers, clothes and souvenirs.
Or I could mention how we thought our hotel was in the middle of nowhere and how we got a cab to stop so we could get beer and had to order $40 pizzas only to discover that there was a gas station and a subway sandwiches and a fucking ATM machine less than a mile away, hidden behind an office building.
I won't mention the fact that me and Mark watched the Galaxy game in our hotel room on his computer as Kellie consoled herself with a glass of wine while Ian and Steph went on some wild adventure looking for bats.


Barmy Army at the Red Eyed Fly.

Our crappy trip home via a stop over in Denver where I sampled a burger made from buffalo meat (It was delicious, no wonder they are virtually extinct) shall go unobserved.
None of that mundane stuff is worthy of a mention, I shall just focus on the general vibe of SXSW. It was a great week, we had a fabulous time watching our favourite band while hanging out with some lovely people.
The barmy army's "magnificent seven" obviously take centre stage, but a special mention has to go the Wedding Present band and entourage.
Over the years we have become friendly and gotten attached to various members of the band, but having said that it is always nice to meet new recruits. Obviously we already know Charlie and his lovely girlfriend Sarah. But it was lovely to see them again. Patrick apparently had played with the Pipettes and I honestly can't say I've ever listened to them, even though DLG and Jessica once invited us to a gig to see them at the Troubadour. Patrick was a joy on the door, always good for a laugh and willing to chat, his run in with the locals at the Iron Bear is the stuff of Wedding Present legend. His mate Sebastian, who was TWP's stand in sound guy on the tour was another great addition and an instant favourite of the barmy army.


Patrick and me the day after the Iron Bear "Seamonsters" gig.


Patrick, the man, the myth, the gay icon.

Pepe had the biggest boots (quite literally) to fill in the band. Terry had been part of Cinerama and TWP for well over a decade and even DLG has said on more than one occasion that she was the best he had ever worked with. Terry is another big favourite of the barmy army and me and Kellie have been to all of her solo shows in L.A.
But Pepe just filled Terry's vacant spot effortlessly. Her bass playing is a bit rockier than TDC's and her stage presence was best described as enthusiastic.
At one point I jokingly scolded her and told her to "Stop smiling onstage as it was bad for the band's image"


Pepe, not smiling for once.

She is like a breathe of fresh air within the ranks of TWP and it was pleasure to meet her hubby Andy at Austin as well.
He was as into the gigs as any member of the barmy army, jumping up and down like a loon, at the front at every performance.
It turns out that Andy and I have a mutual friend (Dave Brown) and this helped break the ice as he might possibly have thought that we were a group of stalking weirdos.
Anyway, anyone that loves footy, likes the Wedding Present and is married to the band's bassist is alright by me and the rest of the barmy army.
We all had a great week, despite the muggy heat and crowds. As a long time Wedding Present fan and an atheist, I must say that watching Seamonsters performed live is as close to a religious experience as I will get these days.


TWP at Mellow Johnny's bike shop.
Keg porn.

Anyway, the trip might have emptied our funds for a while and used up all of my limited vacation time, but I would do it again in a heartbeat.
So Jessica, DLG, Patrick, Pepe, Charlie, Sarah and Andy, I salute you.
Kellie, Mark, Kia, Derek and Ian and Steph from Ian and Steph, I would like to pay a particular homage to and say kudos for all your standing about for hours, walking around Austin in the horrible heat, putting up with each other and me, eating great food and also crappy food all in the name of the David Gedge's Barmy Army and a commitment to following The Wedding Present to ends of the earth or just possibly venues we haven't been to before.


Mark and his infamous bucket o' margarita's


We didn't make Barmy Army tee shirts for this tour, so here's a photo of the original shirts. I won't say who the model is here as Kellie will kill me when she sees this.