Fucking Hell... it's Mark E. Smith!!!!!

They say that you should never meet your heroes, well I don't know who 'they' are but I've met a few of mine and they were for the most part, pretty nice.
There is one that I have been a fan of for as long as I can remember, Mr. Mark E. Smith of Mancunian indie legends The Fall. Mark had a reputation of being a bit a of a miserable twat and a typical no nonsense Manc who will speak his mind and not care for the consequences. A bit like me really.
Anyway I have seen The Fall in concert quite a lot, I remember seeing them play The Roxy in L.A. and Courtney Love (of Hole) tried to get onto their tour bus.
She was making a bit of a big deal of it, trying to get past one of the Fall's crew members.
"What's going on?" came a distinctly Mancunian voice from the back of the bus.
"It's Courtney Love Mark, she wants to get onto the bus to chat to you" said the roadie.
"Tell her to fuck off" replied Mark, clearly not in the mood for the Queen of grunge.
With that, a speechless (for once) Courtney Love turned around and skulked back down Sunset Blvd, obviously gobsmacked and humiliated. It made my fucking night.

The first time I actually 'met' MES was at the Echo in L.A. Just as I walked into the tiny venue, I needed a piss and walked straight into him coming out of the bogs. "Fucking hell, it's Mark E Smith" I said semi-quoting Halfman Halfbiscuit.
"How are you doing Mark?" I said all star struck and thrusting my hand out in his direction.
"Alright cocker" he replied while shaking my hand and walking back to the dressing room.
It was over in two seconds, I recounted this to Kellie and said "I won't wash my hand for a week"
"But what if he hadn't washed his hands after using the bathroom?" she asked.
"Even better" I replied.

A couple of years later The Fall returned to Southern California and I purchased tickets for two gigs in L.A. and one in Pomona which I was to attend with my old friend Chris Zych who after years of me harassing him into listening to The Fall had finally relented and got into them. I think this was to be his first Fall gig, but I might be wrong.

So I drove to Pomona and met Chris, we had a few hours to kill so decided to find somewhere to eat and have a couple of beers. While exploring Pomona we passed a music shop and saw MES and his lovely wife Eleni buying some musical equipment. We knocked gently on the window and gave a nonchalant wave. He returned the favour.

On a side note, I must point out that during this tour there had been a mutiny between the Fall band members and MES. According to music press reports, during drunken exchanges, threats were dished out, a knife 'might' have been pulled, punches thrown and the band quit, leaving Mark and Eleni alone in Arizona.
Mark recruited the members of L.A. band Darker my Love to fill in for the rest of the tour. A certain recipe for disaster and to be honest typical Fall and MES.


Chris and I settled on a Mexican restaurant, it was a bit of a dive, but we were hungry. After eating we moved over to the bar and decided to have a couple of games of pool in order to pass some more time.
After about 10 minutes, MES and Eleni walked into the restaurant and sat down to eat.
We clearly noticed, but left them in peace.
After a while Mark went outside for a smoke, then I noticed him staring at us through the window. I didn't really think anything of it, but seconds later he walked back into the restaurant and made a beeline for me and Chris.
"Have you got a light lads?" he asked sheepishly
"Sorry Mark" I replied, "neither of us smokes"
He seemed a bit taken aback, either by the recognition or my Mancunian accent or both.
"Fucking hell, where are you from?"
"Manchester Mark, Middleton, just the other side of Heaton
Park from you"
"Oh yeah" he said "We just played at the Civic"
We pointed him in the direction of the free matches on the bar and he went back outside to finish his cigarette.
After they finished eating they came over to the pool tables.
"Can I buy you two a drink Mark?"
"Sure, what do they have?"
"Mexican beer" I think I probably got them Bohemia as it is my beer of choice with Mexican food.
"Do you fancy a game of pool?" I asked.
"Oh go on then" came the reply.
"How about doubles Mark? Me and Chris against you and Eleni?"
"Okay"

On another side note, since this incident I have read MES' autobiography in which he claims that during his early 20's him and a friend would go to various pubs and working men's clubs in Manchester and hustle punters playing pool, claiming this would boost his paycheck.


Well let me say that I was always a very average pool player, I've had my moments where I've hit some great shots, but on the whole I am a pretty poor player. Well compared to MES I am Paul Newman in 'The Color of Money' he was pretty dire. Me and Chris beat them 2-0 and things got so bad that MES asked if we could switch partners.
"What, me and Eleni against you and Chris?" I asked.
"No, me and you against your mate and the wife"
I had to chuckle at that one.
We never did take Mark up on his kind offer of partner swapping. It sounded seedy and very 1970's. Orange formica, brown shag rugs, car keys in the ashtray, spangles, chipboard,Smith's crisps salt n' shake, Vimto and all that.

This kind of sounds like I am having a go at MES a bit, but nothing could be further from the truth. Mark and Eleni were absolutely charming, both really friendly and chatty and great company. They made you feel like you had known them forever, which is kind of the opposite you'd expect given his reputation.
We had a good chat about football as Mark is a fellow Manchester City fan. We spoke about how dire City were as they usually were (and then some) back then. And this was just prior to the World Cup in France when future MCFC manager Sven Goran Eriksson was at the helm. He had just picked Theo Walcott and left Jermaine Defoe and other fowards back in England.
"I don't trust the cunt, he's up to something Andy" opinioned Mark wisely.
I nodded in agreement, what else can you do when you are in the presence of a true Mancunian genius?


Anyone for Svennis?

We also talked about Mick Middles who had just written a bio on Mark and The Fall.
"He's just a cunt from Stockport Andy" he said, then added.
"Me Mam gave him loads of pictures to use in the book. Pictures of me Dad in the army and all that. The fucker never gave her them back, she's dead upset. He's just a cunt from Stockport Andy"
Again I found myself nodding in agreement, I had no way of validating MES' claims, but he's in my top 3 idols, possibly my favourite. I did rather enjoy the Mick Middles book, but Mark's statement soured me on it a little.
Mark and Eleni stayed and chatted with us for about an hour, then they excused themselves politely in order to get ready for the gig.
He did seem a little drunk, but that's rock and roll and Mark E Smith for you.
The show was brilliant despite being the new line up's second gig. We watched them again a couple of nights later and they were already better, then they finished the tour back in L.A. a couple of weeks later and the band was really tight. It was like they had played together for years. MES must have agreed as he kept the line up together for at least a couple of years.
As far as meeting my idols this one ranks up there with the best of them. Mark and Eleni were lovely and genuine people, I seem to remember them giving us a hug when they left us, maybe I made that bit up, I was a bit giddy.
When we saw them play at the Knitting factory two nights later Eleni spotted us and gave us a big grin of recognition, Mark was last on stage, looked down, saw us......nothing. I was a bit gutted, still don't know if he didn't remember us or was just playing it cool. Either way, I wouldn't expect anything less from MES or even want it.
MES over Morrissey any day of the week.


MES, a Mancunian legend and true gent, just don't tell anyone as he has a reputation to uphold.